more Stephen Colbert

HOW TO READ THIS BOOK:

No image of me should ever be removed from this book for any purpose, including, but not exclusively: book reports, decorating walls, or placing in your wallet to imply our friendship.

Stephen Colbert on Monsanto

If I quote every thing that makes me laugh out loud in I Am America: And So Can You! by Stephen Colbert, it will take me years to finish this book. However, I must transcribe this footnote:

I'm going to take a second here to praise the work of Monsanto. Good people. Doing a fine job protecting our nation's food supplies with their insect-resistant Frankenstein corn. They don't coddle pests and I respect that.

Norm MacDonald and Turkeys on Thanksgiving

"And finally, next Thursday Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving. Or as turkeys refer to it, Murder Day." - Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Quote

"Well next Tuesday is Halloween. Or as evil old people know it, Razor Apple Day." - Norm MacDonald

A Farewell to Arms excerpt

I had gone to no such place but to the smoke of cafes and nights when the room whirled and you needed to look at the wall to make it stop, nights in bed, drunk, when you knew that that was all there was, and the strange excitement of waking and not knowing who it was with you, and the world all unreal in the dark and so exciting that you must resume again unknowing and not caring in the night, sure that this was all and all and all and not caring. Suddenly to care very much and to sleep to wake with it sometimes morning and all that had been there gone and everything sharp and hard and clear and sometimes a dispute about the cost. Sometimes still pleasant and fond and warm and breakfast and lunch. Sometimes all niceness gone and glad to get out on the street but always another day starting and then another night.

I have come here to chew BUBBLEGUM and kick ass

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Eleanor Roosevelt quote

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do." – Eleanor Roosevelt

"Guess Things Happen That Way" - Johnny Cash lyrics and video

"Guess Things Happen That Way"

Well you ask me if I'll forget my baby.
I guess I will, someday.
I don't like it but I guess things happen that way.
You ask me if I'll get along.
I guess I will, someway.
I don't like it but I guess things happen that way.

God gave me that girl to lean on,
then he put me on my own.
Heaven help me be a man
and have the strength to stand alone.
I don't like it but I guess things happen that way.

You ask me if I'll miss her kisses.
I guess I will, everyday.
I don't like it but I guess things happen that way.
You ask me if I'll find another.
I don't know. I can't say.
I don't like it but I guess things happen that way.

God gave me that girl to lean on,
then he put me on my own.
Heaven help me be a man
and have the strength to stand alone.
I don't like it but I guess things happen that way.

It's Always Sunny episode description

"The Gang Buys a Boat", (2010), Mac, Charlie, and Dennis buy a boat to "throw some P. Diddy-style parties," as Mac puts it, and, Charlie insists, to harvest shrimp (or barnacles).

Tina Fey, Bossypants

"Do I worry about overly retouched photos giving women unrealistic expectations and body image issues? I do. I think we will see a rise in anorexia in women over seventy. Because only people over seventy are fooled by Photoshop."

Excerpt from Bossypants

In Annie Hall . . . A man goes to his psychiatrist and says, "My brother's gone crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And the psychiatrist says, "Have you told him he's not a chicken?" The man replies, "I would, but we need the eggs."

Third Eye Blind - "Good Man"

How do you do it? Roots in the soil untangled
Releasing in sweet summer oil, still I recoil like mace
In all the little moments I pushed you away that I can't erase

Open up Your Heart

This is also a lyric from one of my favorite Bob Marley songs.

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John does Coke

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